I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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