Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
