How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
