Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
