I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
