My friends, they love my intelligence
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
