MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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