Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
