If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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