grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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