Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
