The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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