I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
