i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
