I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
