the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
