By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
