Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The air was thick with penises
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
