im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
