If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
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