I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
