My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize