Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
