You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
