She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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