i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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