I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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