Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Can Purell be used as lube?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
