I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
