I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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