I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
