It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
