apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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