Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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