and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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