Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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