I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
