Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
