did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
