life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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