i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
