I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
