**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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