Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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