Kiss
Puke
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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