you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
