I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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