Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
