Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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