I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
