I think im going to throw up on grandma
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
