I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
