I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Randomize
