Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We're not piercing ourselves today.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
