I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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