There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
