eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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