I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
